Tag: Divorce

Sunset in Albufera of Valencia, Valencia, Spain.

Darkness and Mediation

{3 minutes to read} Someone once asked me what the key was to resolving a case in mediation. My answer was simple: “It starts getting dark out.” Funny perhaps, but truth is implicit in all humor. One of those truths is that almost all people participating in a mediation want it to succeed. Including those who say on the first phone call, “You know, there’s no way this case can settle.”

A related metaphor to the above is that mediation usually sheds light on things, though it doesn’t happen all at once. Facts emerge, positions get revealed, as do the reasons for those positions, and positions morph over time. Settlements are reached for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is that everyone just wants to get it over with. Sometimes that happens in a day, several days, weeks, or even months. The desire to get a conflict over with and move on can often be quite a beneficial stimulus to resolving a case. And “when it gets dark out,” people say all sorts of things they couldn’t or wouldn’t have said at the start.

Who Needs to be There: Divorce

{5 minutes to read} In my last blog, I wrote about who needs to be present during a mediation involving construction matters. Now I’ll address who needs to be present in a divorce mediation.

Here’s the quick answer: The divorcing couple.

Aerial view of 3 empty chairs set for a meeting

Anyone else? Maybe.

Divorcing couples come in all shapes and sizes. Some have been married for 2-4 years with no kids, and insignificant mingling of assets. Some have grandchildren. Many are in between. Some get along well enough that they can be in the same room together (virtually or physically) without too much distress. However, often at least one person will be uncomfortable being in the same “space” with the other spouse. But that discomfort cannot and should not always be avoided.

In a 10-20 year marriage with a few kids, the couple will most likely be dealing with each other in some fashion for the rest of their lives, and having them learn to work through disagreements together may be critical for the entire family. That can be something learned through the mediation process. One question that arises is whether they can do that with only each other and the mediator present.

Can Mediation Turn Back the Clock?

Reverse clock with wooden frame isolated on white background

I’ve written before about what success means in mediation. Often it means a complete resolution of a dispute and the parties can go on their way, having saved lots of time, aggravation, and a bundle in litigation expenses. Even when there is not a complete resolution, mediation often resolves at least part of a dispute or helps the parties significantly lessen the amount of discovery needed as the case moves forward. However, can mediation undo what’s been done? Can it restore the parties to some kind of pre-dispute state of harmony?

Hanging Up the Cleats

stock-photo of hanging football boots with cleats isolated

{4 minutes to read} So when is it time to hang up the cleats? Some pitchers or quarterbacks hit the wall at 30, others, far fewer, at 40. If you’re a gymnast (not that they wear cleats), forget it. Lasting past 25 can be a miracle. And when should a President hang it up?

Perseverance

stock-photo-loggerhead-sea-turtle-emergence-turtles

{4 minutes to read} Sometime back, I wrote a blog about how long divorce mediations can take. Divorce mediations typically take longer than most other mediations because people involved in divorce, especially when there are children involved, need to create new lives for themselves and their families. This can take a while. Very often it is during the mediation that a couple goes through the actual process of physically separating, working out the details of how they will handle finances, children, personal property, and whatever else may come up. It’s also common that one spouse is more eager to get divorced than the other.

Divorce Mediation: How Long Does it Take?

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{4:30 minutes to read} One question I always get whenever someone calls about a divorce mediation is, “How long does it usually take?” The “It depends” answer to this one is far more accurate than in most other mediations.

Many non-divorce mediations take a full day. There is something about participants getting tired and it getting dark that stimulates movement. No one wants to leave after 8, 10, or 12 hours with nothing to show for it.

In divorce mediations, a similar process plays out, but never in one day. And single sessions rarely go over two hours. Couples get exhausted by that point. Plus they need to reflect on and sometimes even live with issues, emotions, and possible decisions.

New Tax Rules Make 2018 “The Year of the Divorce”

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{4 minutes to read} Breakin’ up is not just hard to do—it’s often expensive. But for the past 75 years or so, alimony has been deductible for the payor and income to the payee. This often helped soften the economic fallout of divorce by allowing the higher-earning spouse to pay alimony to the lower-earning spouse so the “family” could reduce its overall tax burden. Since child support is neither income nor deductible, couples often agreed to allocate more money to alimony and less to child support to increase the overall pot available to the family post divorce.

Family Disputes: Selling the Family Home

{3:54 minutes to read} Our mental attics can store lots of emotional content when it comes to a family home. For many families, selling that home may be sad, but not otherwise a source of contention. It can even be a relief. But for others, selling the home can create conflict. While there can be an almost infinite source of such conflicts, mediation can provide a way to ease or even resolve them.

Money and emotion are almost always intertwined in a dispute over the family home, and any attempt at resolution must address both. Ideally, the issue is addressed before a dispute arises:

Getting Divorced but Living Together?

{3:54 minutes to read} When most people get divorced the last thing they want to do is continue living together in the same house. One of the prime reasons to get divorced is so you no longer have to live with that crackpot, jerk, cheat, ne’er-do-well, liar, energy-sucker.

When there are no kids, this is usually an easy decision. Hasta la vista, baby. But life isn’t always neat, and when there are children and limited resources, keeping the family home may be the best way to harness those resources and maintain stability.

Mediation: Post-Nup as Marriage Counseling and Marriage Preservation

{4:12 minutes to read} Sometimes couples who come to mediation are unsure if they really want to get divorced. They may not even know they are unsure.

There are all sorts of reasons for people in a rocky relationship to stay together. The two that stand out are kids and financial resources. Even for well-off couples, the cost of post-divorce life is often surprising.

Bickering parents, of course, can be a source of great strain for children and sometimes breaking up can bring a measure of relief to everyone. But the strains in a relationship may not be ones that require breaking up and many couples might ideally like to stay together permanently, or at least until the kids are grown—meaning after high school or college—when financial pressures are reduced.

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